Forward

It’s October. I have to move on, now.

What a year 2008 has been for me. I trudged through an uncertain Winter. I broke into Spring with dismay, ordering divorce documents. I moved and lived really alone for the first time in my life. I asked for a different end and was denied. I hurt my children’s security and trust. I had to admit embarrassing sin that I had thought was dealt with and put away into God’s forgetfulness. I was humiliated. I created a uncertain relationship leading to all three of my daughter’s anger and questioning of me. I gave up a vision. I suffered the loss of a home. I suffered the loss of friends. I endured the scrutiny of many.  I survived that and actually discovered great healing in the process.

Then, to add to the year’s emotional demands, my Father died.

It has been five weeks, today, since we laid his body to rest. I have experienced depression, anger, hurt, despair, questions and loss. It hurt. It hurts. On Thursday I took a short trip. I needed a mental health day and today was beautiful. I left my counselor’s office at 12:30, went to one of my favorite restaurants, Goldberg’s, and then hit the road toward North Georgia.

The weather was absolutely gorgeous, perfect, clear, bright and almost cool. My first stop was at Panorama Orchard’s store where I picked up a 1/4 bushel of Red Delicious apples. In taste tests, Georgia Apples always beat the more well-known Washington apples. I could tell you that.

From there, my next stop was the beautiful downtown village of Blue Ridge, Georgia. There, you can take a train to McCaysville that wanders through the unequalled North Georgia hills and back. I did experience and witness a little mischief there. I saw members of a secret society, wearing their little decorative aprons, entering their lodge. A few minutes later, I noticed someone had placed a small step-ladder against their door. I wish I could have waited for someone to open that door from the inside.

From Blue Ridge, it was on to a beautiful riverside park in Blairsville. Then, to Young Harris, Ga and Young Harris College where their baseball team was playing Truett-McConnell College, from Cleveland, Georgia in a doubleheader. It was a beautiful afternoon for baseball, but every time the bat and ball meet, that strange ‘ping’ of the aluminum bat (will somebody please outlaw them?) the baseball gods cringed.

Heading east from Young Harris, I arrived in Hiawassee, which has disparate memories for me. It was here that my grandmother took me almost every year to the Georgia Mountain Fair. I loved this fair. You could see the Mountain ways there, like soap-making, moonshining, fiddling, frying pork rinds, whittling and woodworking. As a child I was amazed. It was also in Hiawassee, on a staff retreat in 2001, that I was rushed to the emergency room at 4am. That began a trek of four months to discover that I had a serious liver ailment. I did not like my visit to the Chatuge Regional Hospital.

Leaving Hiawassee I had no idea of the adventure I was about to experience. After turning south on the Richard Russell Highway on the way to Helen I saw a small sign on the roadside that said ‘High Shoals 1.5 miles.’ What was High Shoals? I stopped my car, put it in reverse and turned off the main road onto a small dirt road. I began climbing a rocky mountain road that was pitted with holes and ridges and roughness. I thought I was on a short journey. No! I ended up staying on this dirt road as it rose and rose toward the mountain summit. I saw the sign for High Shoals Trail, but nothing else for 14 miles. Let me tell you – 14 miles on a dirt road in the mountains with sheer cliffs below and above and no sign of life except one whiff of a skunk’s protective system, is an adventure at dusk. I had no idea where I would end up and, frankly, I did not care. It was exhilirating! Finally, after about 40 minutes, I emerged from the forest and found my way back to civilization and Helen, Georgia.

In Helen, I made a spontaneous decision to stop. No plan and no reason. I saw a sign at Paul’s Restaurant that said “All You Can Eat Crablegs – $22.95.” I counted my money and went to Huddle House where I bought a $3.99 omelet.

My adventure was over and now I was pointed back to Atlanta…No. Wait. I think I will stay.

Tomorrow, I will go forward. I will leave the forest of the past and emerge into my future with positive motion. I will still miss my dad. I will continue to miss the special gift of living in a contiguous family. I will still be without the things I lost and the things that lost me. But I will not lose hope, faith and love.

Please go with me…. FORWARD.

~ by phil underwood on 3 October, 2008.